Note to Myself!

So, as usual I have been driving myself crazy with the stupidities of my life and head! So, finally it's time to put out things which I need to prioritize and deal with in life! I am definitely not going to save anyone's life with that, but maybe I can save mine from becoming a bigger disaster than it is bound to be. So, a list of things to do in the next few months.
1. Lose Weight

No, no  I am not going to compete in the next Miss World (I do not have the height, yes, of course,  that is the only reason :P). But, it seems my health has become worse since I have checked last. The main reason being my weight. I am 73 kgs now! Yes, I am only 5ft 1inch and it is beyond the limit that I am allowed. I have to lose around 20 kgs just to touch a normal weight! Oh my, that is a lot. But, I guess it's time to start. (There has been almost no progress in this part. I have tried and tried but I keep losing and gaining.)

2. Work

Well, I have quite a few clients now, so must concentrate and work harder. A solid 6 hours a day is what I have to put in everyday to make sure my work is of the right level. ( I am completely jobless right now and it seems no one really wants to freelance to me immediately, though I did get a lot of offers for jobs at offices.)

3. Animation

Have started with the classes. They are good. Learning a lot. Have to concentrate and put at least 4 hours of practice in it everyday.  (That was a big bust, now I am going for 3DMax tuitions but the teacher is lazier than me and I have honestly not been practising.)

4. Read

I have lost it. I hardly ever read now a days. I have to read at least one book a week. That is a must. (This has actually worked, though I took a month to finish the last book, which is a great improvement from taking 6 months to finish one book.)
http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/6016700-arunima-dey

5. Watch more films
I have been most successful in this, it seems. :D I have been watching 2 films a day on an average, every single day. 

http://www.filmcrave.com/profile_home.php?id=17218

6. Other plans

These plans I cannot indulge here right now, but as and when they progress enough, this shall be updated.

I just realised I really love lists. I love ticking them off and usually if I can follow my lists to the T, they make so much sense. I am such an....cannot find the word right now. 

(originally written on 26/08/12, revised 22/05/13, 3:33 am)

A little nuts

Recently I have been feeling like I have been losing my mind. I dream a lot and most of it is quite non sensical. I mean honestly I sometimes wonder if all this is just in my head. Then of course I wake up thanks to my mother shouting and letting me know that it is time I get up and act like a 24 year old. Oh yes, 24 , that number has been bothering me a lot recently. I am going to be 25 in a month and honestly I have nothing to show for it. Maybe it is called a mid mid-life crisis or something.

I have these moments of ecstasy where I feel like there are better things waiting for me to venture into and that will take time and I feel settled and calm in my head. But, then I have these moments of fear and complete depression where I feel like maybe this is the best I can do. I do not feel love or compassion towards another human being (of course I talk about lovers here).

I did work from home for more than a year but it was so unsatisfactory. I mean I know digital media is the in thing and people love it and all. And, I was honestly earning quite a bit for a while. But, then I realised (which I knew for a long time) I do not like it, even a bit. I like maybe strategising or maybe consulting people but then sitting down and actually working on social networking sites, definitely not my scene.

I have tried to look for other opportunities. Nothing has really worked out well. *sigh*

I am pretty sure my parents, sister and friend (yes friend, not friends) have pretty much gotten bored hearing the same thing over and over again. But, I feel like a loser and sometimes I feel more lost than I felt as a child. Actually as a child I was sorted in my head: English major and then Masters and PHD and am sorted for life.

That did not work out too well. Anyway, in the middle, when I was in Symbi and then Mumbai, I thought I was settled again, but of couse my everlasting love (fibromyalgia, chronic illness) let itself be known and then a year, actually more than a year has gone and I am back to square one.

I have left all my work from home jobs and I sitting on some ideas I have been trying to give some shape to. Apart from that I feel choked up in Kolkata and have been trying to find a way to escape from here...

Ok, enough ranting for one night I think. Adios. 

Losing myself

I have been feeling like I am losing myself. Before I  used to care more about people. Now I care more about myself. Is it something that happens with age? Do we tend to  become more selfish? I remember that I always wanted to earn a lot so that one day I can give help to people who need it. Not charity but as a helping hand. But now when I actually earn I think of ways to save and survive.

I cringe to think people who do without even  the basics?? I don't remember when I became so selfish, so self involved! Is it because of me? Or the society around me? Is it because I have to help myself to just survive through and then in my leisure time  I can help others?

But even if I want to help! Where do I start? I see corruption and helplessness everywhere and to be honest it scares me! Maybe that is the actual problem: fear. We are just so bloody scared. I have always been scared. Scared of not being accepted, of failing in class, of becoming a nobody, of not earning enough! And guess what I see now I was not alone. We are just all scared. How can I help others when I myself am in dire need of help!

I have completely lost myself in the slow steady ridiculous humdrum of the daily grind. I am like so many others trying to somehow live through. I talk my talk but too scared to walk it. And here too am not alone. And trust me that is anything but reassuring.

I am and have been very privileged in my life. My parents have provided me with all that I needed and sometimes much more. No we are not rich but we have more than enough. More than most. I sometimes feel the burden of it. What if I do nothing of this opportunity I have been given? See fear again. I don't want to become another lucky bugger who makes enough in life but nothing meaningful out of it. I want to pass on my opportunity to others.

I think today being my grandmother's ( my best friend) 8th death anniversary all these thoughts are hitting me more. She always told us to become good human beings and to value each other more than mere materials. If I have ever become the person I want to, I will owe all to her.

I have too many idealic plans and I know I need help to establish them. But first let's all pledge to get over our fears and be thankful for what we have.

Sandwich worth an Adventure

Lock yourself out of the house while taking out the garbage and then wake everyone up just to let you in, at 12am: Done! 

Yes it was damn comical how I rang the bell a good 37 times or so (was not really counting ,random number I came up with). Not a single soul stirred in my house (apartment) as I stood outside, being a very juicy dinner to the mosquitoes . After what seemed like a good 10 minutes or so, took the lift panic-stricken bell ringing, went down 12 storeys to find the front desk in my building empty. I swear for a good whole second I was quite panicky. Luckily though I found a security guard strolling outside the building. He was sweet enough to give me his phone. 

My dad picks up after a loooooongggg ring and refuses to recognise my voice. Anyway, after much convincing, he gets the point that he needs to open the door. Panicking majorly, I take the lift back up to see the door still closed. Again, frantic ringing the door bell starts to be let in by a very very confused father and equally distorted looking mother. Anyway, they do not ask much and go back to sleep. I breath a sigh of relief. 

Now the secret of why,  the whole time I was panicking so much. Drum roll please. It was merely because I was frying eggs at 12 in the morning, and the burner was still on when I was locked out for good 15 minutes. So, all I could think about the whole time was 'Shit, my mom's going to kill me, that I am up so late making eggs'. Honest! I was about to have an heart attack thinking that. 

Dear reader, do not worry, the eggs was amazingly not burnt but were a brilliant deep golden brown. 

And I am also happy to let you know, the entire adventure of mine was carried out in a pair of shorts and a guy t-shirt, oh yes and bare footed. :D 

Oh and I have to add the sandwich turned out amazingly well. (The recipe is below, do check out, nothing exceptional, but definitely worth an adventure, I say!)

Now, at 1:22 am I am awaiting the great music that I am to face tomorrow morning when my parents realise why they were almost literally slapped out of their peaceful sleep at 12 in the morning! Ahem.

And, now the awesome sandwich recipe.

Before recipe though, a little intro, I love sandwiches, to eat, to make, to share....and this is one of my very many experiments with them. I am sure, someone somewhere might have made the same thing, but, 'god promise' on my sandwich, this is original to me. :) 

Ingredients 

• brown bread or garlic bread
• chicken chunks
• cornflour
• garlic paste
• onions
• coriander
• vinegar
• salt
• red chili flakes
• chillies (around 2)
• oregano
• dried coriander powder or cilantro
• pepper (freshly crushed)
• egg
• butter
• milk
• capers

Special Ingredient : Maggie Tomato Hot & Sweet Sauce 

(a bit of mustard sauce can also be added, for bengalis use 'kasundi', trust me tasted amazing)

Method

First take the chicken chunks and marinate them in vinegar, fresh coriander, salt and red chili powder. After 30 minutes to an hour, put cornflour to this and mix well. Heat oil in a pan and shallow fry the marinated chicken chunks, till they are nice and brown. (I hardly use one tea spoon worth of oil. Keep putting a lid on and off and the chicken will cook thoroughly on a low fire) Take the chicken chunks out and keep aside.

Now, mix an egg, salt, chopped chillies (I put a whole one in mine; I love it hot :P), two table spoons worth milk and mix these well. Put one table spoon worth butter (or less if you are weight conscious), put finely chopped garlic in it and fry these for a little while. Then, put the egg in. Scramble it well till nice and golden brown. 

Now, mix the chicken chunks in with the eggs. Put oregano, freshly crushed black pepper, dried coriander (or cilantro) and capers and mix these well. Take out the filling and put it on a nicely toasted piece of bread. Put the sauce on it and sprinkle chopped onions. Cover it with another piece of toasted bread. And, voila your amazing sandwich is ready.

Serve it with a tall glass of iced tea and a brilliant book and it is worth an adventure.

I honestly hope someone tries the recipe out and lets me know how it turns went. 

Ok then, with a very full and satisfied stomach, I bid you good night! Oyasuminasai!